Steph Curry is only able to play basketball because he’s two years younger than me and plays in a soft era

Stephen Curry? Yeah, he’s alright for his era. He’s okay. But back when I was playing, we wouldn’t have let him get past half court. We’d link our arms up like we were playing red rover, and you had to be 300 pounds of pure muscle just to think about busting through the line. And if you tried to come over before we called your name, we’d break your damn neck.

 

And don’t give me that nonsense about him shooting from far out. We used to guard the air. You left your shot in the air as long as he does, someone would throw another basketball at it and knock it down. Start a fast break the other way, too.

 

Steph shoots too high, nobody calls him out on it. Easy to do with the high ceilings you got nowadays, but you try that shit back in the day, your shot bounces off the roof, you turn the ball over, get a double technical, and the building manager beats you up on the way to the bench. Then you’d stay suspended until you wiped the scuff off the ceiling with your own spit. And no ladder.

 

Stephie Curry’s lucky he can even see the rim from way back there. Back when I was playing, air used to be so thick, we had a beacon on top of the shot clock just so we’d know which way was which. And one player had to be a foghorn. If you didn’t have an eight-foot-tall center with a voice like Paul Robeson to help your team navigate, little guys like Curry would get lost, wind up on the wrong part of the court, and get jumped for their uniforms. He’d be scared, blind, cold and naked by the time the coach fished him out.

 

And don’t even talk to me about little Stephanie creating space. The way the universe is expanding nowadays, he can just sit, hold the ball, and wait for space to expand itself. We didn’t have that much space back then. Even if you were quick, gravity would pull you right into anyone in a ten foot radius. Squish you together into a supermassive basketball if you weren’t careful. I’d like to see Steph Curry try to even pick up a basketball made out of an entire condensed NBA team like we had to use back in the day. He’d barely be able to put his hand on it, before he’d be inside the event horizon crying for his mama.

 

Klay Thompson’s better anyway.