Concentration

[Note: this is from six days ago, but I posted it on the wrong blog]

I was sitting on the subway with two books I really want to read, and a lot of thoughts in my head, and I was thinking so much I couldn’t settle into the reading. I wanted to write, to get emails sent. I did have a notebook, but I didn’t feel like the notebook was powerful enough (I write much more slowly by hand, and the notebook can’t publish, it can’t create saveable text) and maybe I wouldn’t be able to settle enough with all the people around even if I could write fast enough.

So I sat, with all the thoughts buzzing in my head, suspended until I was able to get home. I was interested in this state of mind, and became more interested in it then in the things I had to write. So I thought I’d have to write it first.

But when I was home there was so much to do – I need to clean up the place, I could use the bathroom, I could lie down or sit with my feet up, I could use the internet, and I also felt like relaxing, so I didn’t get writing right away.

Then I started writing, and I’m hungry, and realized I’d need to eat, and needed to write other things, and because I was so excited to write, or really just to get my thoughts out, that I wouldn’t really be able to settle and eat before I did that.

But because there’s so much to write, and I really do need to eat, I need to rush through everything just to write in time. And I won’t get it written in time. And even in the middle of this I did a thousand things. Or, like, seven.

I was watching a reading of the play Dr. Kheal in a show I set up, and in part of it the character discusses how to do lots of little things and big things, and it’s really good, but I don’t have time to transcribe it here. Or at least I don’t feel I do. But the answer is “one at a time.” And I can’t do that right now.

So I can’t do anything.

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