PBQ Leftovers

PBQ is “Pendulous Breasts Quarterly,” a humor ‘zine edited by John Harris (major dude at The Old Onion and AdultSwim.com). The second issue is on its way out, and it has things written by me and by many of my friends. I like it a lot, especially because it’s for the print medium and because it doesn’t have to be read immediately or in response to any particular thing. It’s stuff we think is funny.

I finally learned what has and hasn’t made it into the issue, and so I present for you here the leftovers that did not make the cut:

The Terrorist’s Haunted House

Once there was a terrorist who decided to terrorize a haunted house. He figured that the haunted house was the perfect cover for him to practice his terrorism undetected.

The plan backfired, however. Everybody thought that the victims in the haunted house were just playing dead, or pretending to be injured, as part of the holiday.

Six months later he announced that what happened at the haunted house had been a terrorism attack. The families of the victims were horrified, and the people of America were scared. Some of them wondered if they would ever feel safe in a haunted house again.

When it was once again haunted house season, the people showed up to haunted houses in double, triple the numbers that they had before. The terrorist had only succeeded in making haunted houses more scary! And that was why people went to haunted houses in the first place!

The terrorist tried to undo his mistake, promising never to terrorize a haunted house again. But it was too late. The legend of the terrorist’s haunted house lived on for generations, and American haunted house culture grew so vibrant that people worldwide loved the U.S.A. even more.

Once Upon a Time

ANNOUNCER: Now introducing…the Beatles!

CROWD OF WOMEN: (screaming)

ANNOUNCER: No need to be alarmed, ladies! They’re not really beetles!

CROWD OF WOMEN: (relieved sighs)

Killing Cops With Kindness

A surefire way to get out of trouble with the police: if pulled over for a traffic violation, don’t say something negative like “Is there a problem, officer?” Try “welcome to my car, how may I help you?” At the very least, you’re adding a smile to a busy officer’s day!

A Terrifying Revelation

DETECTIVE 1: The old translations were wrong — AD doesn’t mean anno domini — it means antes domini — before the Lord!

DETECTIVE 2: And BC — it means “Beyond Christ!”

DETECTIVE 1: My God…we’re in AD now, and the numbers keep getting higher…but that means…



No matter how many times someone “eats out” your asshole, the hole will still be there.


Your majesty, the people have no heads to eat.


SERGEANT: Get a move on! These terrorists aren’t gonna kill themselves!

SOLDIER: Aren’t they, Sarge?

SERGEANT: Awwwww, ya got me!



PS: I am well aware that the title of this post resembles the phrase “BBQ leftovers,” because I want to evoke the idea of eating leftover barbecue.

PPS: Fuck politeness.

PPPS: I think a lot of this could be reworked. In particular, I wanted “Your Tax Dollars at Work” to be a multi-panel Dilbert-style cartoon with storylines about boring office stuff, but it’s harder to write Dilbert than you might think and hard to draw it when you don’t have a scanner or even MS Paint.