Daily Fiction 5: Colin Matthews, Inner City Basketball Guidance Counselor

I don’t like to think of myself as a hero. Hero is a problematic, retrogressive concept, and to think of myself as a hero really wouldn’t fit my brand. I’m a giver. I’m giving voice to the voiceless, humanity to the inhumans. And it turns out they were humans with voices after all. I give them themselves. I am the identity function. I am times one. I am one. The alpha and omega, if you will, but I won’t. Alpha is a problematic concept. But betas are even more problematic. I am neither alpha nor beta. I would say I am delta, but I don’t want to appropriate the culture of New Orleans.

It’s a challenge not to appropriate. It’s a challenge I know very well, as I work in the Inner City.

Hello. My name is Colin Mathews, Inner City basketball guidance counselor, and I’m here to allow everyone playing basketball in the Inner City to save themselves.

I’m highly educated. If I were to play basketball, here’s the path I’d follow:

1) Declare myself to be a professional basketball. Never disqualify yourself. Never doubt your qualifications. If YOU don’t call yourself a pro nobody else ever will.

2) Get on Twitter. Curate your Tweets carefully. Your basketball playing WILL NOT get noticed if you’re not on Twitter. Tweet every day!

3) Ask your friends and family if they know anyone playing professional basketball. Ask them for an entry-level basketball job. Demand it. You ARE good enough.

4) Go to a four-year liberal arts college and major in Basketball. Go for Wesleyan, Oberlin, or Amherst. Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars—and the basket! 😉

What I see instead is that the students who are very interested in basketball obsessively play basketball, like they can never be good enough. It’s very problematic. I wish I could find a non-problematic way to descrtibe how problematic it is, but so many of the ways we describe these phenomena are fraught.

Less than 5% of your time should be done doing the thing you want to do. 95% of it is marketing. Not to be prescriptive. I’ve just found that to be true, as I’m sure everyone else will and would find it to be true if they allow themselves to experience it. Not that I wish to erase anyone’s experience should they surrpise me with it.

What I’m saying is, I want to get laid.

Before you say no, let me assert again how much I believe in your right to say no. It’s as important to me as it could possibly be to you. I couldn’t even enjoy getting laid if I didn’t feel safe in your right to say no.

I do think it would be problematic if you were to reject me and choose some cishet alpha male again. Yes, you’re a woman, and yes, I do fufill and enjoy a male social role, but that doesn’t make me het or cis. I may only have sex with women, but I identify as queer. I may be biologically and socially a man, but that doesn’t mean my maleness is necessarily at play in sexual interaction. I may be a capitalist dom, but the fact that I’ve read 50 Shades of Gray shows that I’m both a non-elitist and a feminist.

Okay, now you can give your response. You always could, of course. I was just enabling you to be just as able as you were.

Oh.

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