Got a Show Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have show for my sketch comedy team that we’ve been working on for a while. We’ve got a slot at the New York City Sketch Festival, and it’s the first time we’ve ever had a full half-hour at a real theater. We’re only three people, and I’m acting in every sketch. I know all the lines, and have had good performances of each one before, but the fact that we just have one shot, and have had a chance to practice for it, makes the pressure pretty high. I’ve had hard performances before, but most shows I’ve been in have either been part of a run (so each individual performance has less weight) or have been thrown together at the last minute (so expectations aren’t that high).

I like a lot of things about it, but it’s a little weird waiting for it to happen. I did not get much done today, just gave myself a relaxing day. But now that I’m looking forward to something, anticipating it, I find it intrudes on the meantime. I never liked waiting, in general, anticipating. It’s much better to be engaged in something. Waiting is such a nothing activity. In small doses, and at the right times, anticipation can be fun, and can add weight to experiences, but I don’t like to spend my time looking forward too much. I also don’t like saving my energy for too long – I like feeling like there’s no reason to hold back. I didn’t work out today because I didn’t want to be tired, I didn’t get too much into any kind of work because I didn’t want to get caught up and miss something I needed to do for the show.
I suppose this is part of what’s meant by “preoccupied” – my mind is already occupied with the idea of the show, without much room for anything else.
It was easy when I was building, practicing. There was something to focus on in the moment. Now, it’s just the passage of time, which I’m always wary of. You don’t want to get in favor of the passage of time, because it ain’t your friend. It will kill you in the long run, and in the short run it will take away your opportunity to do other things.
Sometimes I feel like an idiot if I ever have time to do something and don’t end up spending all my time working on that thing.

It’s always the case that I could have thought of something better if I’d focused more, and the flaws in the final product don’t feel like simple flaws, but like moral failings, things I allowed to happen through neglect.

But really, it’s not so different. We always have chances to make things better, and our time is always limited. It’s not just deadlines that make it so. It’s just a difference of degree, not of type. But feelings can be stupid.
I’m at a point where I could run the show a few more times in my head before going to bed, but it’s partly out of guilt that I didn’t do so more times during the day. I need to figure out if it’s actually being productive, or if I’d just be digging myself into a deeper hole trying to redeem myself. Many times I feel guilty at having failed to work, and try to make a mad rush of whatever it was I didn’t do to erase the failure. It’s not really a plan for future improvement, it’s an attempt at denial of the past. I’d love to describe this type of foolishness more precisely; it’s something I do a lot.
Sometimes it’s very hard to figure out what to do. Sometimes it’s hard to accept the drawbacks of any course of action.
I’ll have to figure out something to do until this damned show.


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