There’s a convenience store down the street for me that often has fruit at steep discounts, and sometimes I feel I can’t pass up the deals, but am not ready to eat the fruit, so I freeze it. It works very well with blueberries. Tonight I was trying to save money and ate some frozen raspberries that had been in there for awhile.
As I was eating them, I did not feel good, but I kept eating a little more, and then put the rest back.
Soon my stomach felt terrible, and I hoped it was just gas that I could burp out, but after continued stomach pain for a couple hours I gave up and vomited. All the other food I ate was gone, and just the chewed up berries came out.
I’ve had bad raspberries at least one time before, and I felt pretty similar to how I felt this time. But it’s not really the unpleasant feeling that’s the worst, it’s the fact that it may cost me sleep and cost me energy. I’ve got a sketch show coming up Sunday that I need to rehearse for, and I want to get a lot of writing work done as well.
When I was little I used to somewhat enjoy being sick; I didn’t like school, because it was tedious and full of rules, and I enjoyed missing it. I enjoyed the feeling of recovery.
When I grew up, I hated being sick. My time was my own, more, and I hated being sick on my own time. And I take pride in working and being reliable, and hate being able to meet my obligations.
I had a terrible day job last year, and the times I was sick and decided to stay in for work, I enjoyed. Even the days I was sick at work, I took some pleasure in relaxing a little, because it was necessary. I liked a break from the tedium and stress of the job. I still wanted to be productive, to pull my weight, but I did not want them, for this job, deeply enough to still want them if I felt release from them.
It’s a kind of sickness, on another level, to want to be sick. We need recovery; when we need it, we should have the will to give ourselves recovery without an excuse.
I don’t know to what degree these “should”s are meaningful.
This time, and most times these days, I do not want to be sick. I wonder whether my desire to not be sick will make me more likely to be sick, or will duplicate the effects of sickness.
When I think of malingering, I think of Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, and Yossarian, of Catch-22. In both cases, the malingerers wanted to escape a world, a mentality that did not suit them.
In a shallow reading, it’s good to feel bad when you’re sick. It shows you’re on the right path. If you want your health, you must be using it well.
But I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes you’re just not able to weather it. Sometimes you’re at a boring normal, and are just too weak for any disruptions. Sometimes you’re in a terrible trap where the effects of sickness are amplified.
I think I’m doing well right now. But it’s best not to be too cocky.
I’m going to try to sleep. My stomach feels a little better. I hope it holds up.